


Light Sleepers

by AlphaStarr



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/F, M/M, Neighbors, Sex noises
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-10
Updated: 2014-04-10
Packaged: 2018-01-18 22:14:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,299
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1444762
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlphaStarr/pseuds/AlphaStarr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jane and Roxy have new neighbors.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Light Sleepers

**Author's Note:**

> I found this oneshot buried in the depths of my computer. I didn't like it much at the time, but I currently find it hilarious for some reason.

It shouldn’t have happened to begin with.

Jane and her girlfriend lived in a very nice, quiet apartment. Emphasis on _quiet_. Its style was befitting a successful businesswoman (i.e. Jane) and… well, Jane didn’t actually know what Roxy did. Whatever it was that Roxy was doing on her computer was probably either illegal or a top-secret government project. Jane had her bets on the former—but she digressed! The point was that both of their jobs paid well enough to afford an apartment with substantially thick walls.

 _That_ was never their problem.

It all started when their new neighbors moved in. Jane felt it was the well-mannered thing to do, and Roxy was eager to meet people, so they decided to visit them together, bearing a homemade cake as a housewarming gift.

Roxy knocked the door twice and, almost immediately, it fell open. A rather handsome fellow with dark hair and spectacles answered the door.

“Salutations!” he greeted. “Could I do anything to help you lovely lasses?”

“We just wanted to stop by and welcome you to the neighborhood,” Jane smiled, deciding that she liked the gentlemanly manners of this chap. She held the cake out towards him, “Here’s a cake as a housewarming present!”

The man looked surprised but he accepted the cake and said, “Why, I thank you verily, madam! It looks quite superb. Just let me get Dirk—he lives here, too—why don’t you step in and have some tea while I fetch him?”

“Oh! Uh…” Jane hesitated. They _were_ strangers, after all.

However, Roxy, excited to meet the guys next door, replied, “Why not? We’d love to.”

“Superb!” he answered, stepping aside. “I’m sure we’ll have a ripsnortingly great time!”

As their neighbor hurried into the kitchen to set down the cake and into another room to fetch his housemate, Jane stepped into roomy apartment. In for a penny, in for a pound, she supposed. The apartment was the exact mirror image of the one she lived in with Roxy, except there were boxes littered everywhere. On the living room shelf, there were a few Japanese-looking swords and a bunch of handguns—apparently the first things they’d unpacked.

“Heyyyy,” Roxy picked a gun up and pretended to aim it at the wall. “These are pretty cool—“

BANG!

She was shocked by the kickback, apparently expecting that it was just for decoration. Her arm jerked backwards and a bullet fired into the wall, leaving a hole in the plaster. The wall cracked around where she’d fired the shot.

Both new residents hurried out at the loud cracking sound. The taller blond man wearing preposterous shades asked, “Is everything in here okay?”

“Omg, I’m so sorry!” Roxy exclaimed, setting the gun down very carefully. “I didn’t realize it was actually loaded!”

“We can pay for it,” Jane offered. “We have very good homeowner’s insurance.”

“Don’t worry about it, it was bound to happen sooner or later,” the blond shrugged. He jerked his thumb at the other guy, “This one likes to leave loaded firearms around the house.”

“Oh,” Jane replied uneasily, not entirely sure what to say.

“I’m Dirk. Dirk Strider-English,” the taller man offered his hand for her to shake.

Jane took it, glad to have something to do.

“Oh, how forgetful of me to not introduce myself!” the dark-haired man laughed nervously before offering his hand to Roxy. “Jake Strider-English, at your service.”

She shook it before looking back and forth between the two men, “You’re… brothers?”

“Husbands,” Dirk corrected, sounding slightly defensive.

“Of course,” Jane tried to smooth over the rising tension in the room. “I’m Jane Crocker, and that’s my girlfriend, Roxy Lalonde.”

“I see,” Dirk replied tersely.

“We’ve been together happily for three years,” Jane added, trying to goad him into actually conversing. “How about you guys?”

Jake swooped in to save the conversation, “We’ve been together for almost four years—“

Dirk corrected, “Forty-six months and seventeen days.”

 “We only just married last month and I daresay it’s been quite a spiffing relationship!” Jake finished with a beaming smile.

“Congrats so much!” Roxy exclaimed, leaning over to shake Dirk’s hand. “It’s so sweet that you remember how long ago you got together and stuff.”

“He is rather sweet, isn’t he?” Jake smiled proudly. “So, what do you ladies do?”

“I work for CrockerCorp technologies. I’m afraid I’m not terribly interesting; it’s just the typical business stuff,” Jane replied.

“Oh, CrockerCorp,” Dirk perked up. “I’ve done work for them before. I’m a robotician with Zahhak Firms, and I programmed the nanotechnology in the SmartBlenders.”

“Oh, really?” Jane asked. “The SmartBlenders are quite the hot item. I commend you on a job well done! How about you, Jake? What’s your occupation?”

Jake mumbled something about archaeology and insulting an important tribe leader.

“He means he’s currently unemployed,” Dirk supplied. He turned to Roxy. “What was it that you said you did again?”

“I… uh, look at the time!” Roxy diverted. “Jane, don’t you think it’s time we should be going? Remember the muffins in the oven?”

“What muffins?” Jane asked, at the same time the smoke alarm in their kitchen went off, sounding so loudly that they could hear it from the Strider-English’s place.

“We’ll see you around, then?” Jake queried.

“Yes, definitely,” Jane agreed as Roxy dragged her out.

All in all, it was a relatively successful first meeting, if one discounted the bullet hole in the wall of the Strider-English abode. Jane found herself liking her new neighbors quite a bit.

The noises started that night while Jane was doing a bit of light reading before bed, with Roxy snuggled to her side and starting to doze off. It was a windy day, and sometimes their building liked to make odd noises, so Jane didn’t pay too much attention to the soft creaking sounds she could hear. They stopped before too long, so she decided it wasn’t too important.

A little later, at about midnight, just as Jane was almost asleep, she was suddenly startled by a loud moan.

Roxy, who had been dozing peacefully next to her, instantly shot up in bed and exclaimed, “Ghosts!?”

“Don’t be ridiculous, darling,” Jane yawned, turning over and throwing an arm over Roxy’s waist. “Ghosts don’t exist. I’m sure it’s nothing.”

Roxy still had her suspicions, but she was too tired to argue, “Okie-dokie, Janey. Love you.”

“Love you too,” Jane sighed softly, nuzzling Roxy’s shoulder. “Good night.”

They were just almost asleep when they were abruptly shocked awake by a loud cry of, “OH, KRINGLEFUCKING _CHRIST_ , DIRK!!!”

“GOD, JAKE, YOU’RE SO FUCKIN’ _GOOD_ ,” they could hear a smattering of moaning noises through the wall, and Roxy thought she could hear some heavy breathing, if she strained her ears.

Jane flushed bright red as she sat in bed, trying to go to sleep over the sounds of their neighbors fucking, “Oh my.”

Roxy groaned, “Wow. That sounds like HOT sex.”

“Roxy!!” Jane admonished her girlfriend.

“What? You were thinking the same thing,” Roxy waggled her eyebrows at Jane.

They listened to the shouts of “YES, DIRK, JUST LIKE THAT! PLEASE, MORE!” and “FUCK, JAKE, YOUR ASS IS SO GODDAMN HOT” for almost a minute before they heard a duo of roaring moans and then, finally, silence.

“Janey,” Roxy said, beginning to reach for her pants. “Do you mind if I…?”

“I’d better help you,” Jane replied rather quickly, rushing to get undressed.

-x-x-x-x-x-

The next day found Jane and Roxy in front of their neighbors’ apartment once more, carrying a cake, once more. They rang the doorbell. There were a few thumping noises as both Strider-Englishes raced each other to the door, before they managed to open it.

They took one look at the cake, and blushed.

It said, “Congrats on the Sex.”


End file.
